Planet of the Chickens
What is up with everything being organic these days? Organic milk, organic eggs, organic celery. Is there somewhere I can go to buy inorganic celery? Some sort of reverse Whole Foods? I’d like to buy the inorganic kind. It’s probably cheaper and will last longer.
I roll my eyes every time I see “organic” or “free range” on the egg carton. I prefer my chickens caged before I mercilessly fry their unborn children over a stove top, sprinkle them with chives and devour them whole. That’s right, I’m an apex predator, bitch.
I’m sure there’s some parallel Planet of the Chickens universe where humans are kept in coops and fed grain pellets all day, so I don’t feel bad at all. Trust me, if the chickens had their way, we’d all be grinded down into little nuggets to be packaged and sold in happy meals. Luckily, the evolutionary cards just didn’t play out that way.
I love Chicka-fil-a’s clever “eat more chicken” marketing slogan, although it’s somewhat morbid if you think about it for too long.
Those cows really are going to die. They’re going to be eaten and they’re pleading for you to eat a different animal, so you’ll eat less of them… it’s fucking morbid.
Anyway, of course I’m only kidding about preferring chickens to be caged. I’m actually a big advocate of “free-range” eggs and chicken products. I don’t mind paying a few extra cents so chickens roam around a little bit (they can even stretch out their legs) before mercilessly fry their unborn children over a stove top, sprinkle them with chives and devour them whole.
DISCLAIMER: This post is 100% tongue-in-cheek. I love animals and would never advocate for mistreating them. These days I only buy eggs from a local farm where I can actually visit the chickens and make sure they have good living conditions. Just so ya know, “free range” is a scam, and doesn’t mean they have good living conditions. What you really need to look for is pasture raised and organic.