The Poop Argument
One of the reasons I don’t believe in God is because Jesus pooped. That’s right, you won’t read about it in the Bible, you won’t hear about it in Sunday school … But we all know it happened. And I just can’t picture the son of god, the holy of holies, oh king of kings, sitting on the crapper and dropping a load.
I call it, The Poop Argument. Argumentum ad Poopum.
What’s even more difficult to imagine is the image of God boning Mary… Wait, that’s right, early Christians came up with a workaround for that one. Sex is an animal act, unfit for gods — therefore, virgin birth! Immaculate conception!
Such is the reasoning of the idealist. The idealist does not see the world for what it is. The idealist sees the fairy tale version: symbols and oversimplifications, how he wants it to be and not how it truly is. It is the only way he is able to justify his beliefs, by putting everything into neat little ‘idea containers’. The idea of pooping doesn’t fit into the idea container for God. The idea of sex doesn’t fit either — hence the need for the doctrine of virgin birth.
Have the great theologians ever pondered whether Christ had a boner? I would think it quite difficult for a human male to live to the age of 33 having never experienced a boner. Not to mention biologically impossible. So then we are left with this image of the son of God, at some point in time, walking around Nazareth with a hard-on … what is one to think? Best not to. If one is to remain a true believer, anyway.
One could go on. It doesn’t need to end at pooping. What about farting? Diarrhea? Incontinence? Hemorrhoids? Was Christ exempt from experiencing these things? If so, so much for the pulpit platitudes about God understanding what it’s like to be one of us. It defeats the purpose of the Christian doctrine of God becoming man if he didn’t suffer, as we do, from these very common bodily ailments. And if Christ did in fact suffer from incontinence and diarrhea then, well, that’s simply hilarious. I can’t take God seriously knowing he once suffered from incontinence.
Suppose Christ didn’t poop at all and God used his omnipotence to close his bowels or something … The food was miraculously digested and excreted … God hiding his poop is even more ridiculous a notion than the idea of God pooping!
Part of being a human being is being disgusting. This is exactly why men cannot be gods. Our need to eat, to shit, to piss, to fuck and all other manners of bodily functions reminds us that we are animals. The notion of god becoming an animal is absurd.
“What is it, I ask you, which begets gods or men – the head, the face, the breast, hand or ear, all thought of as respectable parts of the body? No, it’s not. The propagator of the human race is that part which is so foolish and absurd that it can’t be named without raising a laugh. There is the true sacred font from which everything draws its being, not the quarternion of Pythagoras.”